Crazy brain, and other such nonsense.

I hate the way my brain works sometimes.  It’s all so silly.  I have, like most people, a logical brain and a crazy brain.  Usually, once a month, my crazy brain goes into hyperdrive. As I sit here listening to Explosions in the Sky, all I can do is think. I tried to keep my mind occupied by scrubbing my bathroom and reorganizing all my cabinets and drawers.  Tomorrow I will do the same by attempting to modify and simplify my bedroom.

Once again my thoughts have turned to love and how much I long for it. I’m just going to put out there, that I can’t be alone.  I’m not built for it.  I want someone to share my life with.  Someone to share experiences with.  The problem is that I refuse to settle for anything less than I know I deserve.  But when it comes down to it, and I finally meet someone that fits the mold, I always find myself questioning whole thing.  “How could this person ever love me?  I’m broken. I’m crazy.”

Then I start to get really crazy.  I hesitate to post/say anything remotely related to emotion, because then the object of my affection might see how crazy I really am.  I don’t understand why I’m so afraid to let someone know that I like them.  That I want to know them.  Oh, wait, yes I do, because as soon as I do, that’s when they turn tail and run.  Now I know people will tell me, “Well if they turn tail, then they didn’t deserve you.”  Well guess what?  They all have. With the exception of 2.  One was an emotionally abusive twat, and the other… Well the other I just couldn’t love him the way he loved me.  Believe me, I tried.  Hard.

Now, there is someone that I am interested in.  I dig our conversations, though we haven’t met face to face yet.  That’s coming up in a little over a week.  And I’ve now gone double crazy because he isn’t a complete and total douche. He’s smart. He’s funny. He’s adorable.  All of those things together make my brain scream “He’ll just do like everyone else.  You’ll let him in, and then he’ll run.  He’ll make you fall in love, which we all know is not hard for you, and he’ll leave.”  So, now what do I do? I have to decide whether I want to risk my heart again, or not.  In the end, I always do.  Because I can’t give up on the idea that love does exist, despite life’s attempts to prove to me it doesn’t.  I sit silent in my crazy brain, and listen to it, argue with it and try to maintain some semblance of normalcy.

1 Year Later

Wow, so much has happened this past year.  Good things, bad things, heartbreaking things.  I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

Cliffs notes version I guess.  I fell in love, rather the love I already had grew.  I got pregnant.  I miscarried.  I lost the man I loved.  Rebounded and fell in love again (because this is what I do), got promoted at work. The relationship with my rebound ended, I spent some time alone, healing from the heartbreak of losing 2.5 people that I loved in a matter of 6 months, and focused on my job.  I got promoted again, three months after my first promotion.  And that pretty much brings you up to speed.

Tonight is a bad night for me.  The last 2 months have been good.  I’ve been content to be alone, and the idea of a relationship sends me into panic mode.  So much so that my defense mechanisms are in high gear.  While this could be a good thing, it seems to be doing bad things for me… mostly.  A couple of weeks ago an old “love,” and I use the term loosely because I was 14 and didn’t know him very well when I loved him, asked to take me out on a date.  Not only did my low self-esteem kick in, but my defense mechanisms kicked in.  You see, I’ve seen the kind of girls that he normally dates.  I don’t fit that mold.  We chatted, and he still wanted to see me, so I finally conceded and we met up and had a few beers together.  We reminisced, we laughed, and my defense mechanism, because things were going well, was conceit.  As we were talking about people we’ve dated, and relationships, I told him that I’m at a point now that I know my worth.  Any guy that says he wants to take me out or “date” me must prove he’s worthy of my affections.  I really didn’t think anything of it at the time, because…defense mode.  Pushing people away is what I do best these days.  But today I started thinking about the things I said.  The way I must have seemed to him.  Even though at the end of the night he still mentioned wanted to take me out, I haven’t really heard from him since.  So I sent him a text message today apologizing for coming of as conceited.  The upside and downside to having iMessage is that some people have it set up that you can see when they read the message you send.  He read it, and didn’t respond.  So yay… I fucked that up.

And now that my brain is in super crazy mode I’m thinking about everything.  I’m really missing J tonight.

Sometimes, I hear something and it just brings memories flooding back, and I’m happy and sad at the same time.  I was watching “Chuck” tonight and one of the characters said, “Come with me if you want to live.”  I flashed back to about 8 months ago.  I was going somewhere with him, an excursion to who knows where, but I had met him at his place.  I pulled into the parking lot and he pulled up beside me, rolled down the window, held out his hand and said those exact words, “Come with me if you want to live.”  Now that I’m thinking about it, I think we were just going to the store for some lunch. It is silly, but those are the moments I miss most.  The randomness, and silliness of it all.  The fun that we had.  The late night conversations, the nights in the hot tub and the naked snow angels.  The driving in 20 degree weather with the top down on his convertible.  I am grateful for those moments.  I’m happy that I got to experience them.  I am sad that I doubt that I’ll find anyone to do those things with again.  We had a whirlwind, rom-com style romance.  And for a moment, it was good. I won’t even talk about the letter I have composed and saved on my computer.  I struggle every day as to whether or not I want to send it.  I’m not trying to repair bridges that were burned, but I just feel the need for actual closure.  I don’t feel I ever received that.

I guess it started last night, though.  I put on my happy face and met up with my ex.  It was safe for me, because I don’t really care about him like that anymore.  I can go out, enjoy company and not feel bad as he keeps telling me he “fucked up,” and I just say “Yep, you did.”  We had dinner, we had drinks.  His neighbor came over, they played Foosball, and he and I went to bed.  I needed the physical.  I needed to feel wanted last night.  I needed to feel wanted by someone that I know there is no potential for a relationship with.  Especially since I can’t afford to let anyone have my heart anymore.  I have too much going for me to get mixed up with all of those pesky emotions.

So that’s where I am tonight.  I don’t like to write only when I have negative things so say.  But tonight I needed to get shit out, because my head feels like it’s going to explode.

Beef Tips & noodles ala Luna

1lb stew meat cut into 1/2″ pieces
1 small onion diced
1 c. baby bella mushrooms sliced
1 pkg Au Jus sauce mix
1 1/2 c. water
6 oz red wine (I used lambrusco)
1 Tbsp Rosemary
1 Tbsp thyme
1 Tbsp garlic paste
1 Tbsp Tomato paste
olive oil

Heat olive oil and butter in a pan (I used a enamel coated cast iron dutch oven), add diced onions and mushrooms and cook until tender. Remove from pan/skillet. Add stew meat and brown, adding more oil if needed. Remove from heat. Use wine to deglaze pan and add meat mushrooms and onions back in. Pour in Au Jus packet and pour water over. Stir to mix well. Bring to boil. Preheat oven to 350°. Once oven is preheated put dutch oven in and braise for 30 minutes. Once out of the oven, put back onto a burner to bring to a boil again. Add a corn starch slurry (I used 2 tsp cornstarch) to thicken the sauce. Once thickened add noodles of your choosing. I used No Yolk extra broad egg noodles.

Sorry I didn’t take photos, I’m not a good food/photo blogger. But let me tell you it was delicious!!!

The life of a customer service rep

I may or may not have mentioned that I work in a big box retail establishment. I have, in my eyes, the 2nd most difficult job in the store. (Second only to management). I am a customer service rep at the service desk. What this job entails is taking returns of merchandise, selling lottery tickets, taking credit card payments and a myriad other things. We sell money orders, offer a money wiring service, and we offer USPS services. Now, because of the nature of my job and the services we have regular customers. I have regulars that I love, and regulars that when I see them coming, I immediately throw my finger to my nose and cry, “NOT IT!!!” The regulars that I love are the main reason I have not lost my job by completely snapping. Most of my favorites are lottery customers. I have several that I can have their tickets printed for them before they even get to the counter. Lottery players are creatures of habit. Today I had a particulary pleasant experience with one of the regulars. She approached the desk with her winning scratch off tickets and started to make pleasantries. She asked how I was and how my holidays went. I told her they went well. “Relatively uneventful.” She then asked if I had seen any movies. I told her I had. That I just saw Les Misėrables for the second time. She proceeds to tell me that she and her husband had seen it 20 times on stage. I asked if she had seen the movie. We then proceeded to have a 10 minute conversation about musical theater.

I wonder if she knows how much it makes my day when I see her smiling face. Today I was especially grateful. My second person was sick or something and called off so I had to manage the desk by myself for 7 and a half hours. Her kind words and great conversation made my day a million times better.

Stupid should be painful

So today was full of stupid. And crazy. And stupid crazy. I think the two stupidest things that happened was the guy who tried to return a hunting video game because he couldn’t find the animals (yes, this is just a sample of what we deal with daily). Thankfully I was on break when this happened or I may have lost my job. How is one supposed to keep a straight face when someone tries to return a video game because he/she “can’t find the animals.” It’s a hunting game. You aren’t shooting animals in a cage. It is supposed to simulate a hunting experience. Not to mention there are dots on a map telling you where to go to find the animals.

Second bout of stupid for the day was the lady who wanted to wire some money. Now, I should preface this story and state that she is a regular. Every time she tries to wire money I have to walk her through the form that needs to be filled out (and she still has to fill out several because invariably she will mess it up). She is the one customer that I lose my patience with. I physically show my frustration and I have actually had to call leadership to come finish the transaction because the level of stupid is so high that I can’t handle it. It burns us… So, she comes in today to wire some money. I “not it” my coworker and let her deal with it. Said customer still asks me questions. The money transfer gets completed and I think we are done with her. An hour later she comes back saying that we didn’t transfer it correctly because the person couldn’t get it. We didn’t add something to the name of the country to where she was sending the money. There is only one listing for the country… don’t know what to tell you. So, she wants a refund. I explain that if she wants a refund she has to contact the wire transfer company and they have to issue the refund, however she won’t receive the fees back. She is okay with this. She calls and my coworker is able to issue the refund. She immediately wants to send again. So that is done. Fast forward another hour and a half and she is back saying that there is a block to the country where she is sending the money and again wants a refund. I explain, AGAIN that she has to contact the transfer company so they can issue the refund. She tells me someone has already done that for her. So I use her name to look it up. The only transfer is the one she resent. I explained to her that she did not call and cancel the transaction and that the company has not issued her a refund that she will have to call them. “But I already did that once.” “Ma’am, you have do do it for each transfer you send.” She replies with “But the transfer is blocked to that country, can’t you just go in and cancel the transaction?”
*heaving sigh* “Ma’am, I have no notification of transfers to that country being blocked. If it is blocked to a specific sender then you will have to contact [the company] again to cancel the transaction to have them issue the refund.” “Well why can’t you do it for me?” All I could do was rub my forehead in frustration and tell her that I am not allowed her personal information that she will need to give the company, and because I didn’t wire the money they won’t accept a call from me. It has to be made by the original sender.

Those were just the two major things for the day. There was the every day questions about lottery, questions about price adjusting something that was on sale 2 weeks ago when they bought it 2 months ago. The 5 minutes I spend with some customers that just can’t decide which scratch off lottery ticket they want “Well which one is the winner?” Seriously? If I knew the answer to which tickets were winners, do you honestly think I’d be standing here selling lottery tickets? (I actually say this to customers when they say “sell me a winner”).

Seriously folks, there are not enough faces or palms for the shit that I had to deal with today. I am grateful to have a job in this economy. Not just a job, but one where I have job security. I am grateful that I have regulars that come in that I know by name, and the sight of them just makes my day. But some days I seriously have to ask myself … “Is it all worth it?”